School Survival

It’s been a minute, yall. But here’s something going on in my life.

So I was (am?) a first-generation college student. Definitely, a first-generation Ph.D. student and my whole life education has been tied to my ideas about survival. Let me explain…from a really early age, I understood that to make it I would have to succeed in school and succeed without very many (if any) extra resources. So for example, if I wasn’t good at math, I had to get good at it because there weren’t any extra resources for tutors and there wasn’t anybody to pick me up after school if I needed to stay late with my teacher. Doing well in school meant going to college which meant getting out of the cycles of abuse and addiction running rampant in my family i.e. school=survival for me.

Fast forward however many years and I’m not just surviving anymore–I’m living. I’m semi-successful in my program (getting published, teaching awards, etc) and I have a really happy family life. My friends are the best people in the world like foreal…foreal (shout out to Tate, Avery, and Kye) and I’m looking forward to the future. Despite all of this certain things trigger a lot of anxiety for me.

So grad school is hard. It causes stress and anxiety but I can handle it because what other option is there? It’s not grad school that stresses me out to the max. I mean it does but it’s a stress I can handle…I’m used to it. I’ll get my shit done and done well no matter what.

But this week my newly turned 5-year-old came home with the results of her first standardized test. Yeah, they giving 5-year-olds standardized tests these days. And I know the research on these tests. I KNOW that they are biased and they don’t indicate success or intelligence but when my kid came home with a below average score in math, I could feel my associations between education and survival flaring to the surface and what ensued was a solid 48 hrs of panic-induced stress.

Like what if she fails in school…in life? What if this cycle I’m working to break just gets picked right back up?? These were the kinds of thoughts I was experiencing.

And then I had some time to process. Math tests are meant to test logical thinking skills. My kid is so fucking logical. She puts together 75 piece puzzles and talks about how we breathe oxygen in but not out. Or she wants to know why the races at the skating rink are broken up between boys and girls because “I’m fast like boys, Mom.” She’s smart. She’s logical. She knows shit and maybe she can’t recognize her numbers all the time. Or maybe she experienced the kind of bias that happens when teachers sit down with little girls and test them in math and as research has shown score them disproportionately lower than little boys.

But what I realized that’s maybe more important here is that even if she’s not good at math, she’s going to be okay because school and education don’t have to be the same thing for her as it was for me. She’s going to survive because she has resources that I didn’t. We’re giving her those resources. She’s going to be okay because she has the space to be good at music or art or whatever. Her life doesn’t depend on being above average on standardized tests.

I mean I still bought like 7 workbooks and we’re about to learn some math skills, but with a lot less anxiety than I initially had.

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He’s Not Changing…

Just in time for Valentines day my single ass is about to tell you to be single right along with me! You can wait to see what your Vday gift is gonna be first before you break it off though. You waited this long already so another day won’t hurt. You probably deserve it anyway.

So in one of my group chats, one particular friend is in a relationship and at times she talks about him changing for the better.

Why do we as women have to wait for our men to change? They not waiting for us! If you’re not exactly who they want at that moment then they breaking up with your ass and moving on to the woman that is. Its like we have been condition to be all things to men that ain’t shit. We come up with so many excuses. “well we have kids together” or “we’ve been together for so long and I don’t want it to go to waste”, “I love him”, “no other woman is going to reap all of the benefits of the hard work I’ve put into him”

All these excuses are bullshit. It just makes it even more reason for you to ditch his ass. If you have been with your man for 6 years and you’re still waiting for him to change…guess what? He’s not changing. If he does change you should be offended! Why? Because this motherf***** was capable of acting right all along and he just made the choice not to because you accepted his bad behavior for so long.

If yall have kids together and he still hasn’t gotten his shit together…guess what? He probably won’t get it together. If being a parent hasn’t changed him…you won’t either. Move along.

You’ve been together for so long and you don’t want to let that time go to waste? Girl you probably should’ve left years ago when he wasn’t acting right. He probably didn’t wake up one day and was like “I’m going to be a dick”. You probably met him as a douche bag and tolerated his behavior. There is no reason for him to change if you’ve been accepting of his behavior. He still got what he wanted being a dick. Why change?

You scared his gonna move on another woman? Well once you meet the man that deserves you, you won’t care what woman he ends up with! Let her have your headache! Some people just aren’t meant for us. You could very well be building him up to be with someone else but clearly he hasn’t learned to treat you right. Why you holding on?

You Love him? “WHATSSS Love got to do…got to do with it? What’s love but a secondary emotion?” -Tina Turner. Love sometimes isn’t enough. If you love him and he loves you, he’d probably act right. The part about being human is that we are capable of loving someone else. So if you move on to someone else who will actually treat you right…i’m sure you’re probably capable of loving that person more than the asshole you left.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Until Next Time,

Tate

My Spiritual Journey

So I did it.  Last year, I completed the Bible in its entirety.  Now that does not mean I am completely pious. I am not a Bible snob. I am not a Bible pusher.  I thought going into this that I would be that way at the end but I realized that that’s not my journey.  Please be clear, I am not rejecting the Bible.  I am just saying it is not my job to push the Bible onto you.  As my friends have helped me see, spirituality is personal.  When it is your turn at the gates, I will not be there.  That conversation will be a private conversation between you and God.  I don’t expect you to interrupt my conversation when I’m talking to God, so in return I won’t be there for yours.  Anyways, I am proud of myself for reading the bible.  For 27 years, I took interpretations from Preachers, deacons, Sunday school teachers, and the one religious friend I keep on my roster.  That was a mistake.  I used to feel bad because I never had a true want in me to go to church on Sundays.  If I did go, it was out of obligation.  I also felt bad because I didn’t mention God in every sentence; I had premarital sex; I believe in homosexual rights; I don’t always tithe; and I’ve never in my life been to a Bible retreat.  I know there’s another word for the Bible retreat but I can’t think of it.  See I’ve never had a connection to the Church community.  I truly felt bad, but honestly I’ve never done anything about it until last year.

After one year of reading the Bible I can truly say the preachers, deacons, Sunday school teachers, and my one religious friend were wrong.  In my opinion, they taught me church rules, not actual Bible lessons.  They never taught me how to be a spiritual person.  They were trying to teach me how to behave as according to their church.  A part of me resents them for that but I realized that’s just how they were raised.  So here are my takeaways from my own interpretations of the Bible:

1)      God made me who I am and there is nothing wrong with me.  God does not make mistakes.  He never intended for me to be a preacher, a preachers’ wife, or a deacon.  I was never supposed to be a pillar of a church.  I am me.  I am where I am supposed to be.

2)      God knew we would make mistakes.  The purpose of the forgiveness is because he knew we would not be perfect. He adjusted his expectations. Perfection didn’t work in the Old Testament so he created forgiveness.  Thank him!  Now this is not to say that we should be reckless because we know he forgives. It just means we should live our lives. Stop reaching for perfection and reach for betterment.  There’s a difference.

3)      Every world disaster does not mean God is warning us.  He created Earth, a huge living science experiment.  Sometimes things just happen.  You should not use a world disaster to say, “Get your life together.” You should always be reaching for betterment, even if you’re in the midst of failure.

4)      No sin is greater than another sin.  We should not judge people by the weight of their sins.  He didn’t write the 10 commandments in a hierarchal order.    The 10 commandments are goals.  They’re not a check off list to get into heaven.  We’re judged by our hearts.  If you still have the devil in your heart you won’t be in heaven.  (In my opinion.)

5)      Love is love and the ultimate goal.  The Bible teaches love, patience, and perseverance.  That’s what God shows us and that’s what we should show people. Wearing a long skirt, living in a Church, or paying tithes won’t equal love.  That’s a lifestyle, not the Bible.  Love is what I have with God.  It’s how we connect.  It’s how we communicate.  It’s how I pray.  It’s my promise.  It is my spirituality.  The church has never given me that and after one year of searching I found my peace with spirituality.

I am grateful for this journey and I accept God in my life.  I accept the Bible. I accept who I am.  If you’re ever wondering where you stand spiritually, I would advise you read the Bible for yourself and come to your own conclusions.  Do not let another tell you how to believe.

Get You Some This Valentine’s Day

 

Recently, I finished reading the book, 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.  The love languages are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. After reading, I was inspired to write a Valentine’s Day edition blog explaining how to incorporate these ideas in your gifts for your special girl.  No better way to guarantee that she’ll enjoy it if you understand how to show her love in her love language. See the source image

First let’s try to identify her love language by defining each one (in my words). Then I will provide practical Valentine’s Day gift suggestion

Gifts.

If your girl understands love in terms of gift-giving, it means she feels loved when she receives gifts. This is not to say that she is a gold digger, she just enjoy the sentimental value of things.  For her, gifts are symbols of love. With that being said, the pressure is on for you because she is definitely expecting something, and it better be well thought out.   You got to be strategic with your gifts.  I hope you’ve been paying attention to all the hints she gives you or what she points at when y’all are at the mall.

V-day Gift Suggestion: Buy her some Fashionova , Dove Chocolate, or surprise her with he favorite flowers at work.

Quality Time.

If your girl understands love in terms of quality time, it means she’s the type that wants you to give her your undivided attention which involves having discussions about deep shit, and walks on the beach.  Watching a movie together or just being in the same room isn’t enough for her.

V-day Gift Suggestion: Romantic dinner at STK, or some where you can look each other in the eyes and have deep, heart-felt conversations. Phones off.

Word of Affirmation.

If her love language is word of affirmation, you need to tell her her booty fat on the daily.  You can’t just tell her you love her without an explanation.  She needs to hear why you love her and the way she looks when she sleeps, or how good the breakfast was she made you this morning.  When in doubt, just say something nice to her. (You can’t go wrong telling her her booty fat, though).

V-day Gift Suggestion: Write her a long heart-felt letter and send her sweet text messages throughout the day.  Also, post it on Facebook with a picture of her, letting the world know how much you appreciate her annoying ass. But she’s just annoying a little bit, but you still love her no matter what.

Acts of Service.

Acts of services means, she feels your love when you do things for her.  She likes when you fix her plate when it’s dinner time.  She also likes it when you decide to do the laundry for her.

V-day Gift Suggestions: The days leading up to Valentine’s Day, you should do the chores like washing dishes, doing the laundry and cleaning up the house.  Wash her car and get her oil changed. Pay to get her hair and nails done. Cook her a candle lit dinner.

Physical Touch.

Now you’re probably thinking physical touch means sex, but actually..no.  Sex is a way to express love, but that’s not what this means. I hope by the end of the night all couples are making love.  Physical touch means that your girl enjoys being touched.  She feels your love when you have those moments when you brush up against her, cuddle on the couch, hug her when she walks in the door.

V-day Gift Suggestion: Take her to see Black Panthers or somethings, and cuddle up with her. Go home and rub her body down with Shea Moisture body oil.

 

Hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day! You will get some if you show her love in her love language.

 

 

Find You A Friend That…

So the gang and I have been talking about friendships lately and even in class last night friendships came up. An article was sent to one of my group chats about the type of people that one should surround themselves with because essentially you are the people that you associate with. Meh. Idk how I feel about this sentiment as you’re your own person and we like different people for different reasons and just because your friend is one way doesn’t mean you’re going to end up being just like that person. How many of us have siblings that we grew up with and occasionally think “WHO THE HELL RAISED YOU” because you were raised in the same house and somehow turned out to be two totally different people.

I make friends with people I like. That’s pretty much the only requirement when it comes to friendship. I need to actually like you. I don’t care if you’re rich, poor, black, white, purple, short, tall, etc. I just need us to vibe. As Avery, Penny, Kye and I were talking about this and then having the conversation in class last night I started to think about my own friendships. I have friends for all different reasons. We all need different types of friends who can help us with different things as only one type of friend can’t fulfill all of our friendship needs. So go out there and find you a friend that…

  1. Aid and Abet in your ratchet behavior. This is the friend you call when you’re significant other is cheating and you need payback. They won’t talk you off the ledge but instead push you. They will either jump with you or make sure you have a parachute for a safe smooth landing. They’ll encourage you’re bad behavior within the law and help strategically plan and execute your ideas. These friends will usually let you know if your ratchet behavior is warranted or not. They aren’t going to just let you be ratchet for no good reason. These type of friends are imperative. They’re a rider. They not dying…but they’ll ride for you!
  2. Pray for You. While you and your ratchet friend are being ratchet you need a friend who will pray you don’t get caught. LOL! Actually you need a friend who will pray for you when you’re at your worst and when you’re at your best. Praying friends are the best friends. Even better if they’re your praying and ratchet friend. 2 for 1!
  3. Make you want to do better in life. Its not a bad thing to surround yourself with people who have more than what you do. While you may not suggest going out with them as yall idea of a good time may not be with the same budget confines its always good to pick there brain about certain things. They’re a real life, tangible person that you know who have managed to be successful. If they can do it, you can too!
  4. Tell you the truth. Find you a friend who don’t sugar coat shit but be careful. Sometimes we maybe like “ohhh she a hater”. There is a difference. There is that hating ass friend who comments on every single thing and then there is that friend whose just going to tell you the ugly truth. Like “that dress makes your ass look flat” or even deeper like “stop fucking with him. he ain’t shit.”
  5. Knows how to party. This is pretty self explanatory. Find a friend that knows how to have a good time. They know where all the fun spots are and you know when you go out with them you’re gonna have a good time
  6. Has Zero Fucks to Give. These friends are essential when you just can’t see yourself doing certain things without 3 shots of tequlia, a pep talk, and a week of planning. They wake up not giving a shit. They’re the ones who will hit send on the text message you’ve written and rewritten and don’t have the heart to hit send. They act first and think about the consequences later. I mean they may not be the most helpful when seeking advice but you have to admire their willingness to take a risk
  7. Investigate. Find you a friend who knows they’re way around google. They’ll come in handy. I promise.
  8. Resourceful. Who doesn’t need a friend whose resourceful? Resourceful friends always know whose having a good sale, where you can get certain things, what interest rates are looking like, etc. They are an encyclopedia of random information.
  9. Old and Wise. Having friends that are older and wise can be a good thing. Especially the ones who have no interest in playing mom to you. They offer good insight, they cook and bring you food (okay maybe play mom just a little), they’re good listeners and they have great advice. They are the best to turn to when you’re having a bad day especially if you work with them. Nothing but love! They look out for you because they know being young comes with shitty pay and struggles. They’re awesome. They also have zero fucks to give…
  10. Funny. Find you a friend that will have u crying tears. We need them. Everyone needs a good laugh.

So all in all. Its okay to have friends who are not the same as you and don’t let anyone tell you differently. No given…there are probably some friends who you probably should be friends with. No because they’re different from you…its because they’re shitty people. See Friend # 4 for more advice.

Comment and let me know what other type of friends are essential!

Until Next Time,

Tate

Why Ro Elori Cutno Irks My Last Nerve

Because…she annoying! Haven’t heard of Ro? Great! You’re not missing anything! I can’t remember how I came across her but I’m 100% sure I could’ve done without the “knowledge” she spreads to others. Ro is the founder of the Institute of Feminine Grace and Wife School. Yes, WIFE SCHOOL. Wife school is a series of workshops that prepares women to be wives and teaches current wives how to be better ones. According to her website “This course will cover feminine grace, etiquette, wealth building, man charming, feminine & masculine communication, the 100 things a wife needs to do to promote generational greatness, and so much more.” At the completion of Wife School, the woman will become a certified wife and earn a certificate of completion (whatever the fuck that means). Also this course starts at $299. So ladies…for the low price of $299 you can become a certified wife and be guaranteed to find a husband who will honor, protect, cherish you, makes enough money to care for all of your needs and doesn’t need you to work. However, in return you must never lose your femininity, being overweight isn’t an option, you must only wear heels or extremely pretty flats, always dress up, be submissive, not work outside the home unless its passive income, cook gourmet meals, never use paper or plastic utensils and you must always ASK and never tell your man  what to do. If you’re interested in Wife School you should probably sign up NOW! After January 1, prices are suppose to rise to $30,000. Yes, from Ro’s facebook page she says Wife School will go up to 30k so you must enroll now! If anything this is just a marketing strategy to get people to sign up. Well played Mrs. Cutno…well played.

The information that this woman spreads that she has camouflaged to be as knowledge backed by “research” is utterly disgusting. She’s extremely condescending to others who are different than her and lashes out at those who challenge her views. Her attitude alone isn’t very “feminine” at all. Ro even goes as far as having hours where she allows women to post their shoes and dresses for advice on whether its appropriate or not. If it isn’t to Ro’s liking she will provide them with an alternative instead. Mainly its just her telling them what she likes better.

Another ideology that Ro promotes is the fact that women don’t need degrees and if they have them they are not to brag about them. This sends off the idea to men that you’re better than them and that you are okay with paying bills. Feminine women and certified wives DO NOT brag about their degrees and they DO NOT pay bills. Listen, I worked way too hard on my degrees to not let folks know that I have them. I’m definitely the type of woman that Ro describes as masculine. Well I’m probably hyper masculine. I work outside of the home, I have bills of my own, I have degrees, I will have sex before marriage, I take out the trash and pump my own gas. To her standards I’m probably one of the most masculine women there is. I’m practically a damn man! Oh yeah and I curse like a sailor!!!

In fact Ro’s group seems to be quite cult like. If anyone ever so lightly even breathe a hint of disapproval or question an ideology of hers, her minions quickly jump to her defense. Mrs. Cutno jumps in occasionally with a demeaning remark. Again, not very feminine or lady like.

Ro believes that no woman should work outside the home and if she insist on making money while working from home it should come from a passive income. Let me tell yall something…although Ro may work from home, nothing about her income is passive. This lady works!!! It takes work to be a con artist! She has to prepare these “wife school lessons”, she has to present them, she has to market them, and she has to spend time on promoting them. The in-person gatherings she holds, she must arrange, organize, and execute those functions. THATS NOT PASSIVE! The lady wrote a book for heaven’s sake. This woman works!!! Like this is a legit work from home type of job that she probably spends 40 hours if not more doing. So while people are paying her to fill their heads up with not working, this woman is working and making a hell of a lot of money off of them! Also while making this “passive income” Ro believes that the money women earn are not suppose to go towards bills or taking care of the family. That is still a man’s job. Soooo wtf are you doing with all of this money? Building family wealth?

Which leads me to my next point. Ro is currently offering a workshop on being black and wealthy. It looks like a 4 part series.  Being true to the statement “you have to spend money to make money, Ro is offering these workshops at $230 a session. Sounds like you want me to be black and broke…but whateverrrrr. Anywho, according to Ro the workshops  will allow “understanding our financial power, understanding the complexities of the black customer,  many secrets, tips & guides to gaining black money, with workbook, keeping money & growing it, family life – wealth connection uncovered, thinking for wealth, implementation to actual money, how to enjoy your new money and much more.” Ro and her husband supposedly both comes from generational wealth so I guess this makes her an expert on building it. I doubt it but her followers believe it. That’s all that matters right?

Why would I write a blog about how much this woman irks my nerves? She is one of those people that irks me but I find fascinating. Not in a good way but I’m amused by the things that she does and how gullible some folks can be. She literally makes money from this stuff! People follow and worship her like she’s a God! She has a following of almost 13k people! Mind blown! Ro would have a field day tearing me down. I would be masculine, I would have deserved to be lied to by my ex because according to her, men are expected to be assholes until age 35 when they magically become men that are prepared to not cheat and capable of having a family.  I probably would be the worst type of woman and I couldn’t care less. I’m just fascinated that someone could be so manipulative and get people to go along with it. The woman is a genius and an idiot all in one. Let me go off and see what foolishness I can come up with so I can sell it to people. I could use a boost in my income.

Am I the only one that feels this way about this woman? Leave your comments below!

Until next time,

Tate

Bye Bih…Bye. Getting Rid of Shitty People

Soooo I know my post haven’t been that positive lately. They’ve consisted a lot about how much dating sucks and emotionally how life has been a shit show. LOL this article doesn’t really get much better!

This year has been full of shitty people that I’ve had to cut out of my life. Some I wanted to and others that I didn’t but one thing is for sure…they had to go. Don’t be afraid to cut those shitty people out of your life. I mean if they’re shitty…what are they bringing to your life anyway.

In regards to friendships, I don’t understand why people hold on to shitty friends. Like seriously people!? Friendships are suppose to be easy! You choose people who you can trust, have fun with, share secrets with etc. Unlike family, friends are those people you get to choose! You make a conscious decision that these folks will be your friends. Different friends may play different roles in your life. Soooo if at some point you realize that a friend is shitty, unfriend them! Just like you mad the choice to be friends, make the choice to unfriend their asses! No one has time or energy to deal with shitty friends! Like Bih, you have the nerve to be shitty and I decided to include you in my life? Bye bih…bye! I had this one friend who was always struggling financially and health wise and when she was broke…things were great! Homegirl won the lottery and went ghost! It’s been a whole year! Yall know how I like to investigate…idk why she thought she was going to keep it a secret! That is a prime example of a shitty friend….bye bih…bye!

Relationships with family members become a little bit more difficult. You tend to give them more room to be a shitty person and learn to tolerate they’re crappy behavior because they’re family. Welp, I had this one cousin who literally lied about having cancer…bye bih…bye. Relationship was never the same. The amount of hurt I felt when I found out that news was immeasurable. Listen I ain’t got time to be on the end of other people’s attention seeking ploys. Nope. Not today, tomorrow, or 15 years from now. BYE! I understand a cousin may be different than like a sister or a parent but as we grow older we have to be strong enough to realize what’s best for us, and some people just don’t fit into what’s best. I couldn’t imagine having a parent that I had to cut off but some people have to do it.

Relationships with significant others are also relationships that you get to choose. They too are also difficult to get rid of because of the intimacy between two people. But LISTEN….LISTEN…LISTEN…if you’ve committed yourself to someone and they aren’t giving shit to you in return…they too, must go. Like friendships you made a conscious decision to create this relationship with this person and if all they are giving you is shit in return with a lil sugar sprinkled on top to make the nastiness a little sweeter then its okay to walk away from that relationship. I understand that walking away with kids can make it hard for a person and the reality is that it sucks. Ultimately you have to do what’s best for you but being committed to a shitty person is quite frankly…shitty. What sort of life do you create or have being with a shitty partner?

To all of my shitty people out there…do fucking better. All you do is wreck havoc on other people’s lives. You know you’re shitty. Stop disguising it as sugar.

Anywho, this by far is no blog to tell you how to go about cutting out people from your life or telling shitty people how to be better people. All folks are different. You have to decide that for yourself. I’m just simply ranting about not having them in your life and cutting them out.  I can’t provide you a “how to cut shitty people out of your life guide” or a “how to not be a shitty person guide” just yet.

 

 

The Breadwinner debate

So I have this friend.  She is super traditional.  She is unmarried but not for lack of trying.  She recently started this relationship with a man, who does not have a college degree but he does have a job. His salary is unknown because she’s too afraid to ask.  However, she doubts his financial capability. Not necessarily because he has proven that he doesn’t have money but more so because he does not have a college degree. I don’t know what his actual job is but from her description it sounds like he is in a position with growth potential. He’s not a doctor, lawyer, military man, or business man but sounds like he makes enough to take care of himself, his family, and lives on his own. He does not live with his parents and he drives a nice car.  So even with all that she doubts his financial capability.  Her words, “My husband has to make more than me, and I do not want to co-mingle our money.” In addition, she feels that the man should take care of all of the bills and her money is just that, her money.   Anyway, her comments and her statements actually kind of boil my blood because it’s kind of selfish.  Now before I start my rant, let me clarify.  A man should have a job.  A man should be able to provide for himself and his family if he chooses to have one. Two incomes are always better than one but in case the women goes out of work it’ll be nice to know that the man can handle the bills. (Also vice versa). In addition, I believe there are times when a man should be a man.  We all would hope we marry a rich man just like we hope we win the lottery.  I’m not saying lower your goals or standards for a man.  I mean a six-figure salary would be awesome but what if you have it and he doesn’t? Where I disagree with my friend is her unwillingness to help and her saying that she will not help with the bills. Unfortunately, she is not the only one.  I see countless memes degrading men for paying bills with their wives rather than for their wives.  So many women say that they won’t be with a man if he aint paying all of the bills. You’re not looking for a daddy, you’re looking for a partner.  And while I’m on it, let me put this out there. KIDS ARE NOT PAYCHECKS! Stop the non-sense.  Okay okay back to the topic.

 

I want to start by saying it’s 20-fucking-17.  These old-world concepts of a man taking care of all the bills derived from a time in which women were not permitted to work and was further enforced during the times in which women were just fucking part time secretaries.  During these times, our only jobs were to take care of the house and the children. Now women have degrees, and advanced degrees. We’re lawyers, CEOs, entrepreneurs, doctors, etc.  We have status.  We also have options of when to choose to have children and we are independent and self-sufficient.  We have fought and have worked hard to erase old-world paradigms that define our roles in marriage and now we still have some saying that the man is responsible for everything? Wtf?!!! You cannot have it both ways.

 

Here is how I interpret these standards. You’re saying that to ensure that my man makes more than me and can take care of all of the bills, I should limit myself so that I cannot exceed him.  That way he can be forced to be the breadwinner. That sounds fucking stupid.  I can’t marry a paycheck.  Money does not equal love. That man can be a rich asshole.  So what if a man desires to be a school teacher or a nurse and common sense says that they do not make much. The woman is a med student.  Its also common sense that the earning potentials for a teacher and a doctor have a great difference. Would this man be passed up on from a woman who is a doctor because she wants her husband to make more? Or would she stop medical school to ensure that he makes more?  He could possibly be the best man of her life.

 

Now what about the comingling of the money? This is not about whether you have separate or joint accounts. That’s a personal choice. This is about my friend saying that she will not help. Her money is her money. That’s selfish. If he’s a school teacher and can only afford $100,000 house but with your income you both could afford a $200,000 house, you wouldn’t help? What if you needed the space for your kids? What if the house was in the desired neighborhood? You know best schools, shops, etc. My friend would limit their potential as a prosperous couple just so she can fit into this pretty little world where the man takes care of everything. That’s sad.

 

Now women, I am not bashing you. I am asking you to be realistic. Will you seriously not date a teacher or a nurse to because of his salary? Or will you limit yourself to fit a standard?

 

Feel free to disagree.  I look forward to the debate.

First Date After a Breakup

Soooo you guys…guess what? I went on my first date since Jonathan/Johnny or whatever the hell he’s going by these days and it was soooo much fun!

It was a pretty last min deal. He called me around 8 and asked me what I was doing and asked if I wanted to go out. Sureeee…why not. I needed a break from all this sadness anyway. So I got up, threw on some makeup, and put on a dress that hugged in all the right places but first…I had to put on a body shaper! Listen I’m sexy and all but I’ve been neglecting the gym and I just needed to smooth out and lift up some areas. Anyway I put on a low cut blue dress (thank God for perky boobs) that went down to my knees. I paired it with some nude wedges.

We meet at a popular local spot that housed clubs, bars, and restaurants that played live music. We opted for a bar away from the music so that we could talk. See let me take you back. This guy and I have met before about 8 months ago. Well we matched on Tinder and the day that we were suppose to go out, he stood me up. I was looking just as cute as I was this time around. I was pissed! When I got a hold to him a week later I laid into that ass! This time around when we matched on Tinder neither one of us remember who the other was. Lucky him! It took me about 3 days to figure that shit out. So when he asked me to go out again I said yes mainly because I needed him to witness what he left hanging all those months ago. Yes, I’m that damn petty.

Fortunately for him he bought up the fact that he stood me up. However, he claimed his memory was a little blurry of the details. Oh really?! Why don’t I refresh your memory! Since I’m not looking for anything serious anyway I accepted his apology and we moved on with our date. It was awesome. It was a good first date after a breakup. We laughed a lot. It also could have had something to do with the double shot of tequila we had and the 2 cocktails I had prior to that. We had fun, we talked, we laugh and most importantly I didn’t have that “this isn’t Jonathan” feeling.  I swear that’s the worst. Trying to move on but constantly thinking about how your date isn’t the person you are moving on from.

We ended the night at a Colombian fast food restaurant. Not the greatest place in the world but he’s Colombian so I got a piece of his world. The experience was nice. I don’t think I’ve ever had Colombian food before. We also ended the night with a kiss. I haven’t kissed a new person in 8 months. I felt like I was learning how to kiss all over again. Kinda embarrassing actually. Like this dude is going to think I have never kissed a man in my life. The kiss felt nice too. I mean I haven’t had sex in like 2.5 months so I’m horny. Being touched by a man feels nice in general and he fine! YESSSS! Lol. Shit I’m saying all this to say…have fun! I’m still grieving over the lost of my relationship with ole boy and thats okay. It was a traumatic fucking experience. I literally cringe with the thought of being back in a serious relationship but I can’t stop having fun and this date was fun. I’m single again, back on the prowl thought he was perfect I don’t know how (Trina).

Until next time,

Tate.

Dealing With the Aftermath of A Bad Breakup

Yall pretty much know by now that I’ve just experience probably the worst breakup I’ve personally ever had to deal with. What do we do with these feelings? Hurt feelings last for more than a week and if your feelings are only hurt for a week, kudos to you! I want to be you when I grow up.

After a while your friends will stop asking you if you’re okay when in reality you’re probably not but since you actually have shit to do you can’t spend all day in your feelings so you push them aside for the sake of getting things done. You’ll probably lie and say that you’re find to avoid having to deal with it because that’s just a part of your life that you just don’t want to focus on at the moment. People will tell you to get over it. How? Will they provide a you a road map to lead you to wherever “over” is? Probably not!

So how the hell do we deal with it? We know that eventually with due time you’ll get over it and you’ll move on but what do we do in the mean time. Not all breakups are the same. You hurt differently. How do we find our way back to us? These things changes you. As for me, I haven’t lost my faith in love but the wall that I tore down for Jonathan is back up. I can’t afford to put myself out there again like I did with him so my next relationship will be different.

But even before we get to thinking about a new relationship, how do we cope with the loss of the old one. Especially when there is no hope of ever rekindling that relationship. The damage is done and you’re left with the emotional damage that someone else decided to inflict upon your life. You didn’t ask for this shit. You don’t know whether to be sad or mad. Its okay to be both. Its okay to feel a plethora of emotions. I’m sad, angry, frustrated, and confused.

Even your daily routines are different. You phone is quieter and suddenly you have a lot more time to yourself. When something good goes on during your day or you see something funny, you have to now think about who do you share it with because you no longer have that person anymore to share those things with. All of these things hit you harder than you thought they would. Reality sets in. This is your new life. You have to find the new single you because you’ve grown since the last time you were single and not all of you is the same person.

You’ll see something simple and it’ll remind you of them. Memories that you would rather forget. Ones that you would rather keep locked away are back in the for front. You find yourself smiling but remember ain’t nothing happy. For me, it’s like he wrote a script and cast me as his leading lady. Although those moments were real, he was a character, total fictional character no different than a man in a movie. None of those memories to me are worth remembering. They weren’t genuine on his behalf.

The days will turn to weeks, and weeks will turn to months. Life will get better but in the mean time it’ll continue to hurt and you’ll allow yourself to fill the pain. Hopefully not drowning in it. We’re all human. Don’t let anyone tell you what you’re feeling isn’t valid. Your feelings are yours and they’re real.