For those of you who do not know, a Black Card is what Black America uses to judge my authenticity. A Black Card is given at birth because of the color of your skin and can only be taken away by Black America. Every black baby gets a card after the doc smacks them on the ass. I say Black America because other darker skinned individuals who are considered black but have TRUE origin from another country are not born with black cards. For some reason, we Black Americans do not consider them one of us. Weird, I know but I did not write the rules. Before I go deeper into the subject I want to clarify a feeling I have—please read this carefully. The views in this blog are MY VIEWS and they do not represent the views of all of Black America. I prefer being called Black American (although I’m nowhere near close to that shade). I choose this title because I am not African American. I was not born in Africa and naturalized in America. I’ve never even been to Africa. For all of you “woke” Black Americans DO NOT talk about my roots. I’m sure my roots have just as much African heritage as they do Native American, English, Irish, etc. So please stfu and let me live. I physically look black. Or at least I don’t look white. White people don’t look white either. More pink than white. Anyways, I digress. The purpose of this sidebar was to tell you why I use Black America instead of African America. In America’s eyes, I’m black. In my eyes I’m American but I can’t be called that so I choose Black American. FYI I love being black!
I totally went on a rant. Back to the Black Card. As I was saying a Black Card is given to a black baby at birth. As you grow older you are supposed to like/dislike certain things. I’ll talk about 5 of them.
Number 1: FOOD
As a Black American you MUST like fried chicken, collards, chitlins, macaroni and cheese, sweet potato pie, hot sauce (Texas Pete), Kool-Aid, and etc. I like most of these things at Thanksgiving or occasionally. Don’t get me wrong, I love fried chicken and collards, but they are not a part of my weekly diet. Eating these things in your weekly diet will kill you. I’ve been doing a constant tango between being a vegan and eating meat. Mainly because I want to live without high blood pressure and diabetes. (Top killers of black people.) Any who, I RARELY EVER FRY CHICKEN. I hate the smell and the popping. I ALSO HATE CHITLINS. They are nasty ass pig intestines. I get a side eye at every family gathering when I bypass the chitlins.
Number 2: MUSIC
Black Americans are supposed to like R&B, Hip-Hop, Soul, and occasionally disco if you spent time with your grandparents who were still shaking their assess in the 70s. For me, I will say I enjoy most of black music but not all. I love old school 90’s hip-hop and R&B. I also like rock, country, and pop music. I am in love with Pink and Lukas Graham.
I can’t get on board with today’s hip-hop. I literally look up the words to the songs, not to sing along, but to understand what the fuck the artist is saying. They desperately need translators. Just imagine the interviewer during the Migos interview at the BET awards. His face when one of the group members ( I don’t know his name) was talking was priceless. That is me every time one of their songs comes on. Like bruh what the fuck did you just say?
Black America may hate me for this because I’m dissing my own but I do not see talent in today’s hip-hop artists. I see easy to like people who dress in bad fashion. Little kids are their main supporters. They don’t need real words in their music. Just beats that kids can dab to.
Number 3: MOVIES AND TV
Black Americans are supposed to like black movies, or as I call them Blackbusters. As a black person, it is a law that you consider the following sitcoms classics and have a DVD collection of them: Good Times, What’s Happenings, The Jefferson’s, Sanford and Son, Living Single, Fresh Prince of Bel- Air, and Martin. Of course, there are others. Actually, you could just get a TV One cable subscription and be happy. For me, I hate Sanford and Sons and the Jefferson’s (although the theme song was sung at my wedding). I will admit that I will buy a DVD collection of Living Single, but I’ll also buy a DVD collection of Friends, Beverly Hills 90210 (the original, not that new shit), New Girl, Game of Thrones, Heartland, and Dallas. DON’T JUDGE ME. I like some black shows too but I don’t just watch black shows. As far as Blackbusters they usually suck or have the exact same story line over and over. A lot of them are different variations of Soul Food and Boyz in Da Hood. (I have to give credit. Those are actually my husbands words but I feel the same way!). These movies speak to family drama, living in the hood, cheating husbands, etc. In my opinion, the actors usually over act and the cameras have bad settings. Some Blackbusters are awesome! Some are just poorly made. Especially the ones on TV One. It’s like watching a Lifetime movie or a Soap Opera. I must be in the mood before I attempt a Blackbuster.
Number 4: JARGON
A black person’s jargon is usually mixed with up to date colloquialisms. I promise we get a memo every month with the latest infamous catchphrase and we vote on which to retire. I think this year “Bye Felicia” will be voted off the island. I full heartedly approve that notion. I don’t use catchphrases a lot. I usually get tired of them quickly because they’re quickly overused. They get on my nerves. They are like broken records. These phrases remind me of the Family Guy episode when Peter sang “The Bird is the Word.” I think what really pisses me off about them is the fact that the ones using it usually do not capitalize on them. As soon as a “Bye Felicia” is made famous, a smart white kid copyrights the phrase and puts it on merchandise. That person makes a lot of money and listens out for the next best thing. It sucks. We can’t be mad at the Kylie and Kendall Jenners of the world for being culture vultures if we don’t choose to protect our own crafts. Just saying.
Number 5: GENERAL DISLIKES
Black people have certain inherent fears: water, snakes, white people, dogs, snow, and water. Notice I said water twice. It’s true a lot of black people cannot swim and have a legit fear of water. In addition, black women do not have “water hair.” If we jump into a pool of water (beach or pool—it doesn’t matter), our natural hair will dry into a puff ball. So, if we plan to be in water at any time we almost always have braids or weave. It’s a protector. If you see a black woman without one of those two, DO NOT THROW HER IN WATER. DO NOT SPRAY HER WITH A WATER GUN. DO NOT THROW A WATER BALLOON. As a matter of fact, avoid her hair at all costs. Okay, I can agree that most of these things in this paragraph I hold true and dear. I’m highly afraid of snakes and deep snow but I’m more adventurous. Also, I totally 100% agree, do not come near my hair. However, I like water sports. I’ve rowed. I have gone white water rafting. I swam in the ocean with turtles. (FYI I can’t swim. I did all of this with a life jacket.) Also, I live in a snow bound area of America. It’s literally the whitest place in America. A good portion (not just one token) of my friends are white. My God children are white. I love white people. I embrace them.
If you’re wondering if there are other things that are considered black, the answer is yes. A few of the other things are the less flattering things of black culture that are exploited to make us look like demons or sex craved animals. You know big dick Black Men. Big booty Black Women. Acceptance of absentee fathers. Acceptance of imprisoned Black Men. Ghettos. Hoods. Guns. Gangs. These are the things and images White America created, and that we accepted to be our fate and culture. These things are not always bad. It’s the way they are chosen to be seen.
As I get older, my Black Card is slowly getting closer to the shredder. I’m sure in my family’s eyes, I’m in the sunken place. (Watch Get Out. I’m not going to explain that place.) Now that you know me, you can see that I’m eclectic. I like anything that’s interesting, regardless of the color of the cast, creator, or artist. In my mind that makes me well-rounded. However, my family won’t watch tv with me. They won’t listen to my music. They won’t eat my food unless its fried or loaded with cheese. They call me a white girl. They say I do white people shit or that I need black friends. In their eyes and others, I have been a little white washed. But why? Why is my blackness determined by my likes? Why can it not be determined by what I do as a black woman? Black America we’re holding ourselves back.